You are probably reading this as you have experienced spiritual awakening, sense the presence of awareness moving through your body/mind or yearn to be conscious of your essence. Awakening to your True Nature is a treasure, one that wants to be claimed. Just as love wants to be shared and acknowledged, so does the truth of who we are. In reading accounts of other’s journeys, we feel met and see ourselves more clearly. Therefore, I am sharing my experiences as a way of validating your realizations.


 – After awakening

Being emptied out of that which is false describes, in part, this chapter. It is 2008 and all is quiet, all is new, all is mystery. Well, almost all. It is equally surprising when all is not quiet, all is not new and all is not mystery. Recently, I laughed out loud when, during a yoga practice, I heard the thoughts that were full of Mary, her roles in life; as counselor, teacher, wife, aunt, sister, and friend. As soon as I was aware of the thoughts, they seemed sweet and silly. They were thoughts that prop the identity of Mary as a personality. Some thoughts were self aggrandizing, others critical. Old, repetitive thoughts having no basis in reality, they occupy mental space debating the merits of Mary. My heart softened, feeling love for dear old Mary.

The first year after awakening was a time of being drunk on God. Looking off into space, I felt deeply contented, filled with nothing but awareness of peace and quiet. I fell in love with silence and simply being. All seeking ceased, I yearned for nothing. There was nothing to prove, nobody to be, nothing missing. Not that life was always smooth on the outer sphere. Certainly there were challenges. But life arose as it did, life didn’t seem flawed. As life unfolded, moment by moment, it was simple and miraculous. When there was stress, it was caused by thoughts that reviewed evaluated or anticipated events. Then, reality being distorted by thinking, there was inner tension. In the first couple of years, however, that rarely happened. It seemed as though I was only able to be in the present moment. It was as if a trap door closed in my mind and I was unable to think about the future and I knew beyond a doubt that the past was gone, only a trace of memory.

One of the great discoveries of spiritual awakening is that we are not who we think we are. We are neither our personality nor our history. Imagine the relief in discovering that every thought we have ever had about who we are and what our life means has nothing to do with who we are! The mind reels in response to that protesting that surely that is not the case.

Yet, as unimaginable as that is to the mind, that is indeed the case. Spiritual awakening is fundamentally a shifting of identity from everything we ever thought that we were to realizing that we are a manifestation of Consciousness or God. We are utterly and undeniably a moment to moment expression of the Unity that is. Of course, this is impossible to explain, all we can do is refer to great spiritual texts which reassure us that we are sons and daughters of Life and children of God. Therefore, we are indeed holy, as is all of Life. Ah, how comforting that is.

Slowly, as months went by, each day, the truth that we are inseparable from God or Life remained apparent. Shockingly so. Even as I write now, tears of gratitude well up. Yes, it is true. Although it is incomprehensible to the mind, it is real. We just cannot wrap our minds around it.

The first couple of years after awakening were a time of awareness expanding. While the sense of utter stillness, peace and vastness continues, even pervades, the gaze of awareness has shifted focus. The laser focus has turned toward the denseness of my personality. Where it had been expansive, extending beyond, it began to turn inward, into the body mind. It heralded in a new phase, a time of upturning stones in my inner world.

Life in the outer world moved on and as it did so, previously unconscious forces in my psyche became apparent. The capacity to think about the future returned. Fears I was not previously aware of came into view. Wanting security showed its tense energy again.

There were three dramatic changes in my life circumstances. The first was the unexpected death of my father-in-law in April, 2006. Two weeks after his death, my husband began managing the family business he and his father had started twenty some years ago. A couple of years after closing our magazine “Personal Transformation” my husband had started a consulting business and yet I was the primary income earner. Now all that changed. Suddenly, he was at the helm of a profitable company. His mother, in the final stages of terminal cancer, worked with him to transition the company and prepare the estate business. After years of wondering how we would provide for our retirement, my husband was about to inherit his portion of a small estate in addition to bringing home a steady income as president of the company.

I became fearful that he would abandon me. Even though my husband and I had been getting along well and were supportive of one another during the time after his father’s death, the fear surfaced. Naturally, we talked it through. I could see how the fear was generated in my mind, in fact, had been a force in my relationships with men since I was in my early twenties. In order to not feel vulnerable and abandonable, I attracted men who needed me. Then, if anyone left, it was me. As the primary income earner I felt secure. Yet the fear was in my unconscious. How wonderful for it to finally be brought into consciousness. Although feeling it was uncomfortable, even painful, the relief of seeing what had been lurking under that unturned stone was substantial.

The relief was not only in seeing it, it was also in talking about it, accepting it, not rejecting it, not judging this personality for having such a fear. I began to understand self acceptance experientially. Absent was the belief that I had to be perfected in order to be acceptable to myself. It was amazing to feel love for the immature, misguided aspects of my personality. Imagine, loving even this… the most shunned, defended aspects of psyche. It was as if awareness itself was loving. Not only did it see into and reveal unconscious attitudes, it loved what it saw.

My energy felt softer. The experience was one of loving Mary as is, seeing even the conditioned self as holy. I didn’t realize that there had been internal division about what was holy and what was not. Of course, in the expansive states, all was divine. But to come back to earth, descend deep into the personality and discover that the unenlightened human, with all her defenses and insecurities, is also sacred, still feels miraculous. The same awareness that utterly accepts this personality also loves others, as they are, seeing their conditioned selves as holy.

Astonishingly, awareness itself is the healer. I can do nothing to heal myself or others. It is such a burden to be relieved of. Not only is awareness like a laser light that pierces through to the truth, it loves. And after a while, that love takes root in the human heart. More accurately, it is always in the human heart, we can be more or less aware of its presence.

The miracle is the capacity to be more vulnerable and transparent. Seeing fear of abandonment does not make it disappear. But recognizing and feeling fear, as with all intense emotions, does allow it to seen for what it is. Being exposed rather than defended against, it can be discussed. Out in the open, what is real versus what is imagined can be discovered. How relieving.

Here is another story. This insight was in response to a second significant change. In December 2006 I began traveling around the country, teaching applications of yoga, meditation and mindfulness for the treatment of depression and anxiety to mental health professionals. One characteristic of this body/mind is having a poor sense of direction. I am directionally impaired and get turned around easily.

When I first agreed to travel and teach I was concerned that I would not be able to find my way. My husband said, “It’s okay, go, this is what is up for you right now. I will go with you the first couple of times.” He went with me on the first trip and planned to go on the second trip to Oregon. A week prior to departure my husband made known that he could not accompany me due to up coming work responsibilities. For two nights, I laid on the office floor, weeping. The idea of traveling alone was terrifying. I did not believe I could navigate airports, car rentals, find my way to a hotel and then drive on to the next city.

I came face to face with fearfulness, once again. I didn’t trust my capacity to face the unknown. I didn’t trust that help would be there for me. I didn’t trust that I could, moment by moment, meet new experiences as they arose. And yet, I knew that I would go. Truth doesn’t care about our personality comforts, if we are to follow inner guidance, then we meet our egoic issues as they respond to the directive that is given.

During the drive to the airport my husband patted me and said, “It’s okay; remember you have all the help you need.” I arrived at my destination as scheduled but my baggage did not. When it didn’t show up at the baggage claim area I went to the airline counter and tearfully said that I needed my baggage. After some research, a kind supervisor tracked it and reported that it would come in on the midnight flight. Rattled, I made my way to the rental car and headed towards the hotel. Before long it was snowing heavily and I was driving away from the city. Shook, I turned around, retraced my tracks, turned right instead of left and came to a stop in the hotel parking lot. I was in a white out snow storm. It was beautiful and I was unnerved. All I could do was telephone my husband and sob. After consoling me he said, “You need to go into the hotel!”

I did as he recommended and took my tears to the hotel clerks who were helpful and reassuring. They listened to my story and arranged for a taxi to take me to the airport at midnight to retrieve my bags. After teaching the next day I made my way to Portland, one hundred miles north and was stranded for three additional days due to an ice storm that closed the Tulsa airport.

And through it all, moment by moment, as long as I stayed right where I was, I experienced acceptance and joy and no suffering. In the days before the trip I had identified with the thoughts that said I couldn’t do this and I suffered. I didn’t trust myself and I didn’t trust life. Consistent with my personality, I wanted to have everything mapped out in advance. Of course, that was and is impossible.

Other travel adventures in this past year also jettisoned me into the unknown. And still, there are moments of fear producing thoughts. When the thoughts and resulting anxiety come, they are met with a kind awareness that sees them for what they are. I hear the whisper, “thoughts are just thoughts.” Then, there is softness, letting go of the worry thoughts along with an uprising of love for the anxious personality of Mary. This is not Mary loving Mary; this is Mary being loved, with love doing the loving. There is no efforting by Mary, just the experience of love. It gets all blurred about who is lover and who is loved. In the moment there is no distinction.

This loving awareness makes self actualization possible. With the support of awareness, we do not have to remain stuck, replaying safe, familiar patterns. We can say “yes” to the quiet voice that whispers “do this.” We can move, taking along all our personality characteristics. Nothing has to be cut off or left out. There is something very humane about awareness.

The third significant change was my mother-in-law’s dying. She died seven months after her husband died. During that time, Rick was her primary support person. We were often with her, escorting her to hospitals, arranging hospice, staying with her. Witnessing her struggle and pain was so heart breaking. In the breaking of the heart, all that was left was love for this mystery of human life. Precious and transitory, life is indeed holy. When and how the end comes is mystery. Living in and loving and embracing the moment, no matter what, perhaps an awakened life as simple as that.

During the time of Pat’s dying, it seemed that love was the only sanity. In the presence of her agony, that was the only real response. I wondered how many times the human heart breaks open. I don’t know the answer. I do know that this heart breaks more and more frequently. Beauty, kindness, contentment, suffering, ignorance all open the human heart.

Breathtaking beauty, such as majestic mountains, has long pierced this heart. But as loving awareness has descended into what my mind had assessed as ugly in my psyche, the capacity to experience beauty has been enhanced. When “loving what is” found its way into this psyche I became able to see beauty in subtlety and simplicity. These eyes and ears take in beauty that they previously had not… rain puddles on the deck, a man petting his dog, the sound of a violin, sunlight on wet leaves. Beauty enters in through the body, nestles into the heart, and melts hardness lurking there. Again and again, there is surprise and a pang as beauty finds its way inward.

These days most everything is experienced in the heart… the plight of someone laid off from his job before Christmas, the fatigue of one coping with a major depression, the delight of someone boarding a plane for a special vacation, the pain in someone who hurls a criticism at another, the sheepish smile of one gobbling a second piece of cake, the efforts of a married couple trying to understand each other. The list is long. Maybe we are simply hearts journeying through a life time.

Whatever we are, we are in the presence of great mystery. We are breathing and walking in mystery. We are mystery. Even knowing this in my bones, I, acting as a personality, still attempt to get ahead of myself and plan out how things will be. A few days ago, my husband and I thought we would run an errand in town and eat at the local Chinese restaurant. I even imagined when we would return home. And then, we had to go on to the next town to accomplish our task. We ate a late lunch at a Mexican restaurant. I simply laughed in delight at the sweet joke on Mary. Oh, our personalities do effort diligently to be in control and to be wise. And then there is life, being as it is! In all reality, the only truthful answer to any question about the future, including this very next moment is, “I don’t know.” Of course, plans are to be made, responsibilities are to be carried out, but to live anywhere other than in this precious moment is an illusion of the mind.

Awareness loves. Awareness is also awake and notices. I love the way thoughts are recognized as thoughts. It’s as if there is an internal capacity that sees what occurs and is not seduced by what goes on. Awareness calls a thought a thought. This mind is convinced of the reality of its ideas, but then awareness comes along with the reminder that thoughts are thoughts, nothing more or less.

In the first year or two after awakening, the mind seemed quiet and awareness was absorbed in vast quiet. However, the thoughts of the mind seem more active again, although often they recede into the background. I will use the analogy of awakening to firework displays. Out of the incredible velvet blackness of nothingness, the beautiful display rose and exploded and was captivating. After cascading in great light, it fell into wonderful darkness only to arise again in a marvelous white light show. Any sense that I was limited to this body, this mind, this life history was shattered. There was disidentification with this body/mind and a realization that in essence we are pure consciousness. The result was and is a recognition and experience of oneness with all of life.

Now, back in this life, it is as if rays of light from the fireworks have zoomed down and into this body/mind, illuminating what is contained here. So now, when old patterns in the conditioned personality arise, awareness is there to bring it into view. At least it brings into awareness what it does. What remains in the unconscious remains, out of awareness. The miracle now is when something is revealed. Awareness shows what is true and what is contrived. For example, I had a recent discovery about stinginess. What a gift to receive insight. Once uncovered, it could be seen and loved. With so much goodness in life, stinginess is senseless, so choices made from stinginess no longer seem real. Furthermore, I can only being stingy with myself since at the level of fundamental reality there is no other.

The need for fulfillment has dissolved. Life itself needs no fulfillment. It is sufficient unto itself. People say, “Oh, Mary, you must find your work very fulfilling.” I am befuddled when they make such comments. First of all, if I found fulfillment in work, then is the rest of life unfulfilling? If work was relied on for meaning, when not working I would have to rely on memory of work in order to feel fulfilled. To be fulfilled by the past is not real in that it has already occurred. In reality, life is precious and when that is recognized, identifying one or more aspects of life as the source of fulfillment becomes unreal.

If anything is fulfilling, it is the ongoing experience of the unfolding of the soul’s potential as it expresses the realization of its true nature. Awakening to true nature is an event, a recognition that alters our sense of identity, disengaging us from identification with the body/mind and showing us that we are consciousness itself. The soul’s unfolding is an unraveling of limitations imposed on it through human conditioning and releasing its potential to express the aspects of essence such as love, creativity, wisdom, and compassion. The soul’s fulfillment is a wonderful mystery, we can only listen and let it express itself, discovering as we go.

This leads into the final comments about life since awakening, up to this time. Awareness longs to be recognized by us, moment… by moment… by moment. The yearning we feel to wake up to the truth of our essence is the energy that draws realization near. All we can do is listen and follow the deepest tugging at the heart for it is awareness itself wanting to be acknowledged. I have heard it described as consciousness wanting to know itself. And amazingly enough, that seems to be true.